Dear You, Love Me.

Dear You,

I am so sorry for everything that happened. And I understand that you don't want to deal with me for a while, and I had every intention of leaving you alone, but things changed. I wouldn't be able to stand myself if you went in for surgery and we were still fighting. You know the old wives tale about tying up your lose ends...

If you really don't want anything to do with me anymore, then you can simply ignore this, and come Thursday when I haven't heard from you, I will know. But I wouldn't sleep right at night knowing that I hadn't at least made the effort to patch things over before.

I love you with all my heart. I know it's been hard the past six weeks, but I'm just scared and lonely. I'm 236 miles away from home - away from you, and Mama, and all the rest of my friends. And I'm terrified. Somehow, all that fear and whatnot boiled out onto you, because you were my safe place. You were where I could go, and I knew that it was all going to be ok, and that you would always be there for me. I shouldn't have placed so much responsibility on you, I'm so sorry.

I'm not going to lie, I'm hurt by this. But you're too important to me to let you just walk away from me. Today is Tuesday, the 29th. If you want to talk things over, and make up, please text me, call me, skype me, IM me, Facebook message me - anything. If not, then you'll never hear from me again, I promise. Please talk to me.

Love, always and forever,

Homegirl.

I'm so worried about him.

I prayed for him.

Hmmm.

I fucked up big time. I sent a retarded two A.M. text to someone. I fucked up big time. See, I don't need to drink or do drugs to do dumb shit in the middle of the night. I'm perfectly capable of doing them under the influence of nothing but my own stupidity.

I don't think I can fix this. And I hate myself for it. I don't know that everything's going to go back to the way it was, but I'm scared it wont. I think this has been self sabotage.

But this is the last of it. Never again will I do this to myself. I will never again put myself in the position that I hurt this much. I'm changing, and it's starting today. Never again will I be annoying, never again will I dwell in my insecurities, or rest on my laurels, or be shy, prude and quiet me. Because that me? Fucked up the best thing in my life. So I'll change.

Let's start with the basics. No more unhealthy junk foods. Anything artificial is just bad for you. No more soda, candy, ice cream, and fried food. No more artificial colouring, no more artificial flavourings. More salad, more balanced meals, more water. More time in the pool and the gym and being active.

More time outside. More time in peace and quiet and less time around technology. No more hours upon hours of Facebook stalking everyone, no more excessive use of my iPods, no more constant texting. More yoga, horseback riding, swimming, dancing, meditating.

No more worrying about what every boy, girl, and their aunt thinks about me. More time embracing myself. More time appreciating the wonderful people in my life, the gifts I have, my talent, my health. Less time worrying about boys. More time keeping my grades up, building good relationships with my mom and my family and my friends.

No more psycho two in the morning text messages telling people you love the biggest lie you have ever told. No more worrying that you're not good enough for them. No more worrying I'm going to lose him, especially if its too late...more time...just, more time not worrying. More time in reality, less time in my imagination. More time voicing my thoughts, less time biting my lip.

I just want to fix myself...the part that does dumb things. The dumb part. The little kid that never grew up.

I think I'm going to talk to Villie's nurses about making an appointment with a shrink or someone. I think it's covered on my insurance....

To everyone out there that I hurt, or pushed away. Please forgive me. I'm going to change, I'll be a better person. I promise.

Rose.

Testing, One, Two, Three, Four.

236.04 miles from home.

Exactly.

Which means roughly 220.00 miles from all the people I love.

(That's four hours and twenty three minutes, for the record.)

As previously mentioned, I spent a good portion of my childhood itching to get off that god foresaken island. A good 8 out of 10 years, I'd say. Not consecutive, either. Scattered moments in time when I enjoyed living there.

And now...I'm 236.04 miles from home, which is a hell of a lost closer than I planned on being (when I was going to run away, you see)...and I wanna go home...

I realized this was a test. Is a test. It's not over yet. Still got a good three and seven eighths years here. Anyways, if this was supposed to test me....

Dumbest fucking test ever. Like I'd give up this kind of opportunity. Even if it is hard.

Game over, fate. You fucking lose.

The Truth.

I have not had one decent night of sleep since I got here.

I'm serious.

Not.

One.

Every night, I wake up looking for him.

Every single night.

I really don't understand whats wrong with me....

I understand missing someone, but...to the point where I can't sleep? Really? It doesn't make sense...

I am destined to not sleep well unless he's within walking distance of me? Will I ever sleep well here, or will the only good sleep I get be when I'm home on vacations?

I really don't get it....

Ignorance

Discovered Ignorance by Paramore, as well. Enjoying! Off to find more music.

I Ain't a Doll, this Ain't a Dollhouse.

Hmmmm.

Had Politics and Religion in Ireland today.

Wrote seven and a half pages of notes.

It was an interest class.

I'm pleased with it.

Hmmmm.

Laura's coming to lunch (possibly) on Sunday.

Actually excited about it.

Think I'm forgiving her.

Hmmmm.

then you're no good for me

so glad i kept my receipt.

Downloaded a new song today.

Called Dollhouse by Priscilla Renea.

Perfect timing, actually.

Good song.

Fits my mood.

Hmmmm.

I'm sick.

Got an upset stomach.

Its doing these weird rollarcoaster things.

Hmmmm.

I'm having problems processing my own emotions.

Somewhere between what I think and what I feel

they disagree.

Can't really think straight.

Can't really act straight.

Can't sleep.

Fuck.

My Thoughts.

Alright, so all the time without TV and little more to do than stalk people on Facebook has given me a lot of time to think. I started to tell Dev some of this a few days ago, but I couldn't bring myself to do because I didn't know how to just straight up bring it up. So I covered it with some BS about him visiting me in Ireland. (Sorry, Dev :( )

First thing I realized is that even if he or even we date other people, I'm still his favorite. He still loves me, and I love him and we're best friends! I know he's going to be in my life forever and I'll be in his and no girlfriend will change that. I mean even a wife! We're still best friends, and I still love him!

Second I realized that this time away from all the important people is a good chance to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Like, there are certain parts of myself I don't like and want to change. I want to be more self confident, because I recently realized that the most attractive guy in my life is confident and happy and strong. Confidence is attractive, and just...better. You attract more people to you when you're confident. Gotta work on that.

Third, my jealousy. I get jealous really easy, and I strive to make other people jealous, but that's really not a happy existence. It's not that I'm not happy and grateful with what I have, because I am, I just have to make sure I'd do covet thy neighbors gifts. (Or something like that...?)

I think that's all I really can focus on for now - I dont want to overload myself. But the thinking is getting deeeeper and deeeeeper, especially with all these TOK and To Be Human classes. o.0

...

hakuna matata.

Upon further consideration...

Upon further consideration of why exactly it is I'm having trouble making friends, I realize in full clarity that it's ME! Over the summer, a friend backstabbed me, and I don't trust anyone since. Ok, lets break this down.

October 18th(ish) 2008 - May 2009: Rose meets boy. Boy breaks heart. Not once, not twice, but a good three times.

May 2009 - July 2009: Rose finds new best friends!

August 2009: New best friend back stabs Rose.

So after all of this back stabbing, and heart breaking....I can honestly say I can list the people I trust on one hand. My mother, Dev, Hannah, and Erin Boat, just to list a few. Ok, maybe a hand and a half. There's always the rest of my family....

POINT IS THIS: I'm not into being betrayed again. Hmm.

If I remember correctly, I went through a similar phase when I was in middle school, I think when I was in eighth grade; I wanted to be a loner, because people couldn't be trusted! I honestly said that to my mother, and I think she almost broke down in the middle of the parking lot of our building. She did, however, calmly explain to me that loners did drugs, and since I didn't want to do drugs, I couldn't be a loner.

(I'm not kidding, that was her logic.....hey, it worked...)

Hmmm. I think it's time we play the game, W.W.M.A.S.

WHAT WOULD MR.A SAY?

Its a very simple game, really. It got me through my senior year in the I.B. program, because every time I would want to quit, his BOOMING voice would pop into my head and go..... "SMALLS." and as SOON as I heard that, I KNEW I was thinking a bad idea.

Mr.A says I need to put myself out there and make some friends. What's the worst that could happen, he asks. And I answer I might get back stabbed. And he answers, So, move on. Grow up. I'm a bright, intelligent, engaging young woman. As Erin Boat said to me last night, "people gravitate to you". (I honestly thought she was kidding but...I don't think she was.) Mr.A says...something about taking risks and tells me to grow up and that if I get back stabbed it's not the end of the world. And in the end, he convinces me that I will make friends and it will all work out in the end.

Man I love playing this game. I always win. :)

Now, for those of you that think I didn't really just honestly have a conversation with my Latin teacher in my head, I assure you, I did. I can even hear him saying that to me, or see him typing it to me. And there's one thing you should know about W.W.M.A.S.; Mr.A is always right in the end.

It's because he's awesome. ♥

Things I Miss.

I miss the days that I couldn't WAIT to get away from home. The days that I was SOO miserable at home, that I would contemplate running away to get away and make a new life for myself. I miss not having a reason to want to be home.

The issue here is, I'm homesick, and I don't fucking like it. I don't even know so much if it's that I'm homesick, as much as it is the fact that I miss my friends. I have truly the most spectacular group of friends. ...and they're all there..and I'm here...

Ever since I was wee I had this problem about not 'being invited to the party'. My best friend Diana would have a friend over, and she'd call me and we'd talk for a bit, but more than anything I wanted to be there, with her and whoever her friend was. Instead, I was at home. By myself. The last true time I remember feeling that way was I think a few years ago at Emily's 16th birthday party, where there was a moon bounce and they were all on the beach and I was, once again, at home.

By that time I could basically go to anything I wanted, I had internet in my room, and if I wasn't allowed to go to something it was because I was working; and I had friends at work. So I wasn't so much missing a party because I was having my own.

However, here at college....I feel like a little kid again. Which is not even a true statement, because when I was little I had no problem wandering up to other kids and becoming friends with them! It was middle school that really caged me into this quiet little girl....and then in high school I was so anxious to NOT be that person anymore, I became down right obnoxious. I was probably the most obnoxious freshman ever, and I apologize to all previous Sturgis upperclassmen who had to deal with me.

So back to college. ...the party's at home...and I'm at college...

Back in those days of me being really obnoxious for attention, all I wanted was off the dumb island I lived on, away from the people who vexed me most in the world, so that I could live on my own and become this fabulous, vibrant and bubbly young woman who everyone would envy because I was so nice, and so fun, and funny....

(Keep in mind, I'm a writer. I have an extremely vivid imagination.)

...

This past summer, I really connected with friends. And I found people I can't imagine living without - all those years I was miserable and wanted away? It was because I didn't have people like them in my life. And of course, with all my luck, I found this person, these people, the summer before I leave for college. For a college five hours away, where I know almost no one, where I have to completely start over. And after all those years of wanting exactly this...I just wanna go home. Hahah.

Be careful what you wish for.