OK SO.

OHMYGODDRUGUSEANDABUSEISGONNABEREALLYHARDICANFEELITANDIWANNADIE.

See if you can decode that one! That is pretty much what's running through my head right now, on repeat, about ten times louder and a lot faster. At this very moment, 10:50 P.M. I really want to fucking go home. Oh god.

:(

Some Thoughts For My First Day.

Boys are yucky. Stupid and yucky. Boyfast back on.

Top floor means ten fans, not one.

Bring extension cords.

There is no good place to put the fridge. End of story.

There will never be enough plugs.

Did I mention boys are stupid?

Best friends are the best. ♥

THERE IS NO FREON IN FRIDGES ANYMORE.

The beds become monstrously large. Do not fear underbed storage.

My first day at school has left me with an odd feeling. You know the saying alone in a crowded room? It's probably from a song, or a poem or something. Well, let me tell you, whoever wrote it was DEFINITELY talking about their first day at college. Its weird because you know people, yet at the same time it's only one or two people who aren't attached at your hip. So they come and go as they please.

I almost ate dinner by almost, but was joined at the last moment by a very nice O.A. (Orientation Advisor) by the name of Shawn.

Did I mention boys are yucky? Hmmm. (BF'09!)

I'm pretty much burned out of my skull. My room mate is wicked nice and wicked funny, and wicked chill so I don't think that's going to be a problem. HOWEVER after lugging half my life up 4 flights of stairs, I tried to go to their dance and almost fell asleep while dancing. (Once again, boys = bad, BF'09.)

At any rate, I'm all moved in; well, for the most part. Classes start Monday - my first class is Math. Shoot me, right? The orientation festivities continue tomorrow, but I assume all the upperclassmen are moving in. Oh god - scary upperclassmen! I best head to bed :)

So it goes

- Rosie

As Promised: Rose's College Survival Guide.

1. Awesome stuff. - If you love the stuff you got for college, it's so much easier to look forward to setting it all up on moving day than to sit around and anticipate leaving family and friends.

2. Friend's stuff. - I have a pair of Dev's pants, his shirt, and his sweatshirt. Lils made me two origami wheels. I have pictures of me and Hannah and Mr. A, and Erika. It helps keep them there with you, when they're not.

3. A webcam. - I understand that these can be hard to come by, but boy is it so much easier when you have friends and parents who are far away. It's not the same as them being there in person, but just to see their faces can be a relief.

4. A cell phone. - For daily 'good morning' or 'good night' or just 'thinking of you' texts and phone calls on the way home from work, keeping in touch is important.

5. Addresses. - To write and send packages! Don't forget to give them yours, so they can do the same!

6. An awesome playlist. - No good experience is complete without a rockin' playlist to pick you up when you're down, or lift you up when you're already hyped! It helps if you have songs that will remind you of good experiences with friends. For my personal playlist, check out below!

Thanks for reading!

ROSE'S 'COLLEGE MUSIC ONE' PLAYLIST.

Freeze - Chris Brown

Hakuna Matata - the Lion King Soundtrack

Waking Up in Vegas - Katy Perry

We Fly High (Ballin') - Jim Jones

Here Comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts

Catch Me - Demi Lovato

Beautiful Dirty Rich - Lady Gaga

Candy Shop - 50 Cent

I'd Lie - Taylor Swift

Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet? - Relient K

Here We Go Again - Demi Lovato

Heroes Get Remembered, Legends Never Die - Four Year Strong

Crazier - Taylor Swift

If You Seek Amy - Britney Spears

Oops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears

Just to Be Together - M.T. & S.S.

Day N' Nite - Kid Cudi

Just A Lil' Bit - 50 Cent

Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas

Beatdown In the Key to Happiness - Four Year Strong

Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny) - Nicole Scherzinger

Life is a Highway - Rascal Flatts

Caribou Lou - Tech N9ne

Starstruck - Lady Gaga

Watcha Say - Jason DeRulo

Bada Bing Wit' A Pipe - Four Year Strong

Love and Sex and Magic - Ciara and Justin Timberlake

Wrecked 'Em, Damn Near Killed 'Em - Four Year Strong

Undying - S.S.

Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus

Obsessed - Mariah Carey feat. Gucci Mane

Abandon Ship or Abandon All Hope - Four Year Strong

Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tees

Blame It - Jamie Foxx

Shove It (feat Spank Rock) - Santogold

Catastrophe - Four Year Strong

I'm On A Boat - the Lonely Island

Grains of Sand - S.S.

BOLD - My personal favorites!

It's Time.

Listening to: Life is a Highway - Rascal Flatts

It's time I blogged about the issue I have been tiptoeing around since.....April. May, maybe.

I AM LEAVING. FOR COLLEGE.

*breath* This is a whole new chapter in my life. And when I say new I mean...brand fucking new. New friends, classes, environment...holy shit.

You know, this reminds me of going to Girl Scout camp when I was little. I would pack a bag and leave home for a month to go somewhere where I knew no one. The only big difference is, less bugs. (Thank god, I HATE bugs.) At this very moment, I am more than happy to get up and leave, separate myself from my Mama and crazy family. But I'm sure if you ask me in about a week or two, I will feel very differently. I love my mother and my family, but they've been overwhelming me a lot recently - most specifically Mama. When Mama gets anxious she gets bossy and a bit bitchy...

I don't know how I'm supposed to do this; to be perfectly honest, how am I able to just pack up and leave? I'll tell you how, I got a pretty little financial aid package is how. OK: short story time.

Listening to: Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tees

I applied to what we will call 'the Ghetto School' for the sake of pleasing Mama - she LOVED the school and we had relatives that worked there, and yada yada yada. Well let me tell you something - I HATED THE SCHOOL. I DIDN'T LIKE IT ONE BIT. I got in, I got a scholarship, but Villie's scholarship beat theirs, so I ended up going to my top choice, despite my mother's insisting that I would NEVER find a way to go there. ( Look up the poem: Listen to the Musn'ts by Shel Silverstein. It was my driving force for months. )

Listening to: Wrecked 'Em, Damn Near Killed 'Em - Four Year Strong

But the point to that story WAS - IF I hadn't gotten my scholarship, and IF I was going to the Ghetto School, I wouldn't! I honestly would have probably dropped and gone to my local community college after the first semester. Because I couldn't stand it!

So, following this post I will post 'Rose's College Survival Guide'. Just to sum up how I have managed this far - 7 days - without my friends, and why I feel like I will survive.

Move in day is tomorrow! Wish me luck <3

So it goes

- Rosie.

Hakuna Matata.

Listening to: Hakuna Matata (the Lion King Soundtrack).

Hakuna matata.

What a wonderful phrase.

Hakuna matata.

Ain't no passin' craze.

it means no worries, for the rest of your days.

It's our problem free, philosophy.

Hakuna matata.

...

I feel like hakuna matata is my new driving force. Because every time I get upset or off or blue, I just think, fuck this, hakuna matata. No worries, because nothing matters. Best friend hurts you? Fuck it, hakuna matata. Mama yells? Fuck it, hakuna matata. I don't think I'm using it in the context Simone and Pumba really intended it to be used for, but hey! Fuck it. Hakuna matata.

Back to boyfasting. I really think I need to work on myself. I don't see the value in myself enough sometimes, and I need to be comfortable with who I am before I can starting dating someone and have to worry about stroking their ego all the time, right? Isn't it that old AA saying that says you can't help anyone else if you can't help yourself?

That, and admitting you have a problem is the first step...accepting there is a power greater than yourself in the world, yada yada yada. Whatever, fuck it! HAKUNA MATATA!

Today I was watching the motorcade of Senator Kennedy. I was struck at first by how seriously moved I was. Although I never pay too much attention to politics, it was almost as though I could feel the passing of an era. He was a good man. But as I was sitting there, getting chills as I watched, I realized that he wouldn't have left this Earth if he hadn't done his piece. Everything happens for a reason.

Then I realized how hypocritical that thought was.

When my father passed away, I was eleven years old. And all I have been able to think since, is that there is no justifiable reason for him to have died. None at all. I needed him. He wasn't done here. And hence, everything does NOT happen for a reason.

But really, in all honesty. What reason could there possibly be for him to leave? Do you know what him dying has done to me? I don't trust guys. At all. And even when I do trust guys, ... I still don't trust guys! Dev knows better than anyone, because I will occasionally drive myself to tears - all because I keep waiting for him to leave, to walk out and not come back. Because according to what I know, what I've experienced, thats what happens. And I've put too much of my heart and my trust on the line for me to not completely break if he follows pattern.

I trust him not to. When he tells me he's not going to, I believe him. It just the dirty little voice in the back of my head that will get to me every once and a while...

At any rate, it made me think a lot. I don't like labeling myself as a hypocrite. But maybe everyone is in some way, shape or form?

Ah, whatever. Fuck it! Hakuna matata.

BOYFAST '09 UPDATE.

Boyfasting is not nearly as easy as it seemed it was going to be. Since my last post, I refused to go to the corner store with my mother because I didn't have any makeup on and there is a hot boy that works there, became friends on Facebook with some old crushes who made me want to delete all my ugly photos, and best of all, answered a phone call to hear "Hello beautiful". That TOTALLY made my day. :)

Boyfast may be more like fasting from boys who haven't already found a place in my heart.

when he smiles, i smile.

BOYFAST '09.

So after some careful consideration I realized a few things.

1. The piece I had been writing was now useless, because the context of the plot has changed drastically.

2. He doesn't like me. He's physically attracted to me, and I'm his best friend, but he doesn't like me.

3. I am wayyyy too tired of getting hurt.

I can't honestly blame him in any way at all. At the very least he told me this was going to happen, yet he gave me what I wanted anyways (my kiss) and then stepped back and closed his eyes, waiting for the fallout.

Enter fallout here.

Guy gets action like normal people breath air, which is what really started all my thinking. Honestly, I know I'm important to him as a friend but I still feel like I just added another notch to his bedpost. Not because he put me there, but because I have in fact done the things which would cause another notch to be placed. Kinda hate myself for that, actually. Especially since I don't have a bedpost for notches to be made.

Long story short, he kissed someone else and its someone that he could very plausibly make a relationship with. I'd comment 'talk about moving on quickly' except I'm not someone he'd have to move on from....see! I get it now. I didn't get it before.

So all of this thinking has only led me to realize that I in fact am tired of trying to find someone, only to find the wrong someone and ending up completely broken. This being said, a few months ago when I was in the similar position of getting over someone, my driving thought was to find some gorgeous, talented, smart guy that I could make him absolutely drop dead jealous with. Now, I don't think I'll be looking for love any time soon. Hence, Boyfast '09. I think I'm in a better mindset.

All in all, I just wanted to update and get this all off my chest.

So it goes, <3

- Rosie

Day Three.

Listening to: Undying by S.S.

It's day three of being away from home... and I'm seriously going out of my mind. I know I'm acting a little ridiculous, but it's so hard being away from Dev, and Lo and James. Honestly right now it's hard because everyone I know and love is back home, while I'm stuck here basically hanging around the house doing nothing all day. Next year, I am going to put off leaving till the last second. There is no way I'm going to do this again - a week is too long, because all I can think is, 'I could have left today and been perfectly fine.' Anything for just one more day.

I took a really long walk yesterday, because I was struggling. Dev didn't have anything to do, and neither did I, and all I wanted to do was hang out with him, but I couldn't because I'm a state away. It was so frustrating and it made me antsy and homesick. I finally decided to go for a walk and was able to take a little stroll through the neighborhood. It was then that I got to thinking.

Where I am right now is my childhood home; this is where I grew up and is probably one of my favorite places in the entire world. The houses around here are these really nice two level houses with big backyards and playsets and dogs and porches where the family can eat dinner during a nice summer night, or read a book in the afternoon, or just sit and talk. It's a middle class neighborhood, and I have never been more comfortable.

Then I look at Villie, which is surrounded by these gigantic mansions, with gates and more land than anyone knows what to do with; big brick houses with gorgeous gardens and probably a maid or a butler or two, where everyone is rich and well off (and probably republican) and proper and has an image to upload to their equal as rich and well of neighbors.

...

Thats the lifestyle I always thought I wanted, but it occurred to me on my walk home that maybe, in fact, it isn't. Just the general peace I felt from wandering my neighborhood and the feeling of home it brought made me question that. I'm not rich - why am I trying and pretending to be?

The hard part about this whole 'waiting' thing, is knowing that they're home, and I'm in this gross in between. I'm at a home, thats for sure. But it's not the school that's going to be my new home for the next nine months, and it's not the home I've kept for the last nine years. Until August 29th, I'm stuck here, in the in between, too far from my friends; I spend my days literally praying for contact from them, while not having the nerve to text, IM, or video chat them myself, feeling as though if I do I'll interrupt their lives and become an annoyance.

I should have left a week later.

So it goes,

- Rose.

My I.O.U., and Some Big "What If"'s.

Technically I owe the blog another post because I slacked on Sunday and went to see a movie after work, instead of blogging. ><>

Things I Hate.

Do you have a song that makes you think of that one person? The song you could play over and over and over again and all you can think about is one person for one reason or another?

I hate those songs.

You ever have a gut feeling that something big is happening? Ever just watch a situation go down from afar and just feel in the pit of your stomach that change is coming? And you're right?

I hate those feelings.

Ever get sick in the middle of the summer? Like, allergies? And of course you can't make them go away, because they'll do that on their own. And yet you sit there sniffling like a coke addict, essentially just wanting to cut your nose off and hope, that like Spongebob, you'll grow a new one right back?

I hate sniffling!

I'm not really going to use my daily blog update to rant and rave about all the stuff I hate in life. Tell me that wouldn't get boring. It is repeatedly occuring to me that I leave soon. Now it's officially five - count them, five - days. FIVE. As in, a work week. A school week. A week sans weekend. Five days. Five short days.

I have to stop thinking about it or I will make myself physically ill.

I had the privilege of doing some charity work today with Dev and Lils; it's always a good feeling to help others, especially when you yourself feel utterly helpless. It can really put things in prospective for you. Two of the other kids volunteering told me they thought I was beautiful - me, beautiful. I don't get that a lot, but it was a good feeling. Beautiful. Huh.

I've begun to realize that I really don't take a look at outer beauty too much. I don't know if this is a bad thing, because I'd like to think it means I judge people by their personality. I myself however, take my looks very seriously. One of my ex boyfriend used to argue with me all the time that looks don't matter, and as nice as the idea is, I genuinely think looks matter. I mean, just because I don't judge other people by the way they look, doesn't mean other people don't judge me like that.

It makes me feel shallow to say it, but my looks matter to me for that reason; I know other people are judging me, and there is a certain...aura..feeling..personification I'd like to live up to. A nice, put together young lady. Is looking presentable really all that hard?

I hate that the world judges on looks.

I also hate that health care is so freakin' expensive.

But that, my friends, is another story.

I'M FREAKING OUT.

Eight days. I leave in eight days.

Knowing that you're leaving your home, everything that is good and comfortable and normal in the world for something so strange and different is a little like....it's like being awake when the doctor shuts off your life support. Will I live? Keep breathing? In a sense, you know that the world will go on without you, that the people you love will continue with their lives as if nothing has changed after a brief period of sadness, and yet you stand by so completely and utterly effected that you're afraid you'll just simply die. And the closer the doctor gets to the off switch the more you forget how to breath completely, and end up lying there like a fish out of water.

The closer the days come, the more fish-like I get.

It's easier to push people away and hate people for unexplainable reasons than to deal with having to say goodbye and know that you will miss people SO MUCH MORE than they could ever miss you.

I get really attached to people really easily. The more I go through the past year and few months in my head, the more I realize I walk around with my heart on my sleeve and wave it around for all to see. And then it just gets trampled on and I end up hurt and wonder why... I guess I'm just one of those people that has always believed people are naturally good. I never had any reason to believe otherwise, until this past year when I made the mistake of putting my heart on the line not once, but twice now. Only to watch some guy stomp all over it and then walk away for his next conquest.

I've watched best friends walk in and out of my life, and I don't understand...are people naturally good? Or are they good at only one thing, and thats hurting others? If that's the case, then that makes us hypocrites as people; we complain and moan about how we get hurt by others, only to turn around and do the same to someone else.

This is the period I hate. The period of watching the doctor head toward the off switch, knowing this gigantic change is about to occur...I just want it over with, so I can adjust to life without the people I love the most, than sit here and watch it happen in slow motion.

I spent a good hour gushing over him tonight at a bonfire, only to realize... ...he's not permanent. Only to sink deeper into my fear that he'll leave. I want him to be permanent in my life. I want them all to be.

But no one is permanent.

Everyone leaves.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Let's Talk About Love (Baby)

I've been hoarding my first everything for the right guy...you know, that guy that you're comfortable enough with, the one you WANT to share things with. I've been waiting. And I've finally found him. And he won't take them. For the reason I want to give them. They're my firsts.

So. Effing. Annoying.

He has valid reasons for it though, so on one hand I don't blame him. But it's frustrating to me. And I swear, the longer I think about this, the crazier I get and the more desperate I act.

I hate feeling like I'm acting desperate.

So currently I am practicing a different tactic, of not talking to him, and waiting for HIM to talk to me. He is SO important to me, not just as a boy I'm interested in but as a best friend; but I hate feeling like I make people so important to me in my life when I'm not half as important in theres. (I assure you, I'm probably overreacting. We're best friends. I'm sure I'm important.)

I've always been the girl that believed in people - I'm the person who finds the goodness in everyone, who trusts and loves and wears her heart on her sleeve. One of the only things I've learned over the past couple months is that there is no one you can count on in life except yourself. The more this lesson dawns on me...the more I realize that I'm starting to think that way, the more upset I become. When my friends say that, I feel my heart break. Because I would always be there for them in a milla-second. But if that's how they feel...

Then I truly am on my own.

Post One: The Introduction, Explanation, and Information.

First of, I'd like to welcome you the reader to my blog, My Life at Villie. The idea of this came to me one day when I realized I needed some kind of release into the world; clearly, my friends can not read my mind (as much as I would often like them to be able), so instead I needed a way to speak my mind without using my words - well, my spoken words.

Personally, I don't know if I have the commitment and dedication to keep a blog of my life, so I instantly scratched the idea in hopes that I would save myself from starting yet another unending problem. But the next day, my best friend Lily mentioned in passing that she was thinking of writing a blog, and when I mentioned I had had a similar idea, she encouraged me. So I thought, eh, what the hey.

Lets get some basics out of the way right now. My name is Rose, but you can call me Smalls. (no, not a real name. A nickname.) I'm heading off to be a freshman in college in nine - count 'em, nine - days. And I don't think I have ever been more scared about something in my entire life. I'm leaving the state to go to college (I won't mention where), which I don't know would be such a problem if all of my close friends were leaving for college as well. However, I made the GRAVE mistake of becoming friends with underclassmen, who are now staying while I'm leaving. And when I say grave, I mean it was probably the best mistake of my life.

This has, without a doubt, been the best summer of my life. As the only child of a single mother, I have always had to work in the summer, and it always limited my activities, especially since I don't have a license or a car. (Working on it, I swear!) But this summer I've become best friends with people who not only want to spend time with me, but have the means to do so. Well, most anyways.

I've already mentioned Lily. Lily is my cousin, and one of my best friends. We became close when we both took chemistry class in our junior year of high school. Seeing as the class had a total of three kids in it, including us, we all became really close. Lily is a one of a kind friend - loyal in the most difficult situations, she has a bubbly and often sexual personality that can draw many people in. A terrifying enemy, I've seen many of my other friends witness her wrath and will never knowing and willingly do anything to experience that. She can make me laugh in so many ways, and I will always cherish the memory of riding around in her big truck blasting music and laughing hysterically. Lils is staying behind to complete her senior year of high school, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to survive without her.

Lily and I have another cousin by the name of James. James is also now a senior in high school. We've been friends since he was a freshman, but have been getting closer and closer since my junior year. James is a bit like Lily - less so bubbly, but equally sexual and so very very devious. Lily and James have been friends for longer than I think I can remember, and when they are together there is nothing more sexual, exhilarating and mischievous. James can be downright catty and I would shudder to think of what it's like to be on his bad side - I've seen it happen and it's never pretty.

My best friend Devlin is a story in and of himself. Only a sophomore in high school, spend five minutes with him and its easy to forget he's not at least eighteen. I think the only time I truly think about how young he is, is when I'm watching him on stage. He is the single most amazing guitarist I know - and he's only fifteen. And I know some pretty good guitarists. I went to middle school with him, he taught me how to ice skate when I was in eighth grade and he was in fifth. After that I left for high school, and we didn't talk again until one of my crushes was ranting about how he was going to beat the crap out of him. I friended him on Facebook that night, and we got to talking. After a while we started hanging out, and now I have literally spent all but probably ten days with him this summer. I don't know how I'm supposed to survive college without seeing him daily. Sometimes he feels like my other half.

I thought I wasn't going to start this until I at least LEFT for Villie, (thats what Lils and I call my college) but it seems like now is the perfect time; James is grounded, Lily is at home, and Dev is off playing a show in the city.

So it goes

- Smalls